bits and pieces

walking up the hill toward perfection

I know we'll never arrive, but

we're adding memories to our collections

we're doing more than, more than survive

the sun doesn't rise

it leaps

the stars don't fall

they dive

let's not just politely nod and live,

Let's Run, Laugh, Thrive

1.3.13

driving through

low clouds

flashes of white

like we're

flying

You

brought the sky

down to me

and made me smile

8.30.13

it's the morning's

golden hour

dew washed windows

sparkling grass

and

shining trees

and I,

I'm sitting here

in the calm beauty

making coffee stains on envelopes

and hugging my knees

wondering

how can life be

so madly

beautiful

when there is

so

much

pain.

9.3.13

cynical

I like to think I'm gracious; prone to forgive readily. Slow to judge because I've been found wanting and I'm pardoned.

But looking at others I think, "I can see the pride behind their actions" when the one with pride is behind my condemning eyes.

Unless your morals are identical to mine, or unless I really like you right away, I'll find a fault or two with you and think, "I'm better," when NO. No, no. I'm not.

Maybe because they look more in-control. Or maybe they seem more sanctified. Or maybe they just seem popular. So I try to make excuses;
They must be putting on a front. Their motives must be wrong. They're always looking for attention. Because they couldn't actually be nicer and better then me! NO. No, no. They probably are.

Pride is what is making me cynical of Children of God.

pointless

This is a pointless post
to say;
Pistachios and
Smoked cheese
and
Fresh, moist,
frosted cake
made of
poppy seeds.

I could eat like that all the time.

lazy-amazing

fog thick as
whipped cream
we’re sailing off the edge of the world
cold tea in
sloppy mugs
soggy tea bag swirled

waterfall mist
without the roar
skyscrapers rise where none were before
thoughts clearer than
the damp gray day
and smashed grass wet to the core

poultry smell of
winter soup
bare sunlight did not overstay
is that you in
my mind
or just the dim wind
inspiring, lazy-amazing day

This is The Life
Don’t rush it
Don’t stretch it
Don’t push it
Don’t strain it
Don't bend it
Don't break it

Life’s the best I can make it

September 2011

matter of fact

matter of fact
this is the way
dry eyes
they're calm

matter of fact
address everyone
the same
they're polite

matter of fact
say what's needed
nothing more
they're serious

matter of fact
avoiding their
eyes and smiles
they're steady

matter of fact
but inside they want
to venture farther
try harder

matter of fact
moving on
like nothing's wrong
when

in fact
   it matters

4.11.12

certain smell of summer

(because it's the only semi-decent thing I've written in the last few months.)


musky hay
in the fading hours
and that
certain smell of summer
hangs
in the air
enveloping dusty wildflowers

dirt and fields
mixed with wood
and that
certain smell of childhood
hangs
in the air
drifting in the heat's breeze
moving through
the tangled trees

forget to breathe

then
breathe in
breathe again
breathe that
certain smell of summer
through your heart

30

I always liked your
smile
It’s so rare now
and I rarely see you.

When did we grow so
much
I remember when
you were my age.

You have two beautiful
boys
You love them
and so does she.

Maybe you don’t know I
care
That your life
is falling apart.

You say you’ve never
felt
so at peace,
but it’s a lie.

Wake up, don’t break up,
cousin
Can’t you see,
the road is wrong.

My thoughts ramble a lot. I was going to write them in paragraph form, but it wasn't working. So here, more poetry.

-----------------------------------

Seconds
are precious
More as I
grow older now.

Minutes
spent walking
under the shade
Churchbell sounding.

Hours
precious, beautiful
where I met you and
you and you.

Days
are changing
We are all older now
Life is not the same.

Months
go by
I fear change, I fear
the ones I love leaving.

“Fear not,” He says.

Why is change hard?
If I want control, why?
I make mistakes.

Why is change hard?
This is comfortable.
But if life never changed,
So much would be missing.

Why is change hard?
Maybe because if
this is taken away
all I will have are the
memories.

Years
slipping away
leaving behind a trail
of beauty and tears
Do not fear

He knows best
and I will rest
in His love,

unfailing,

Unchangeable.

miracle.

damp air and city traffic
feet touching the grass
rhythm of a creaking swing
and weeping willow branches
drifting in the breeze
words of gravity, sorrow
silently seeking answers
in my mind
and finding none
hoping you found comfort
with your hand in mine

face down
pain in my heart
head in my hands and
lying on the floor
pleading, begging, please
how many times I asked
I don’t remember

then

such happiness, excitement
maybe, maybe, maybe
hoping
your playing was holding back a grin
my mind held back assumptions
but I was right
everyone around me cheered but
I could only choke on tears of wonder
sobbing thankful joy
amazement,
miracle

waiting
knowing you would come
we met almost running
spinning around
happiest day
too glad for words

but

scared
desperate for help
for prayers
desperate for everything
to be okay
nothing was right
worried doubts, fears
tears just by trying to talk
and choked with despair
the end, the end

but it was alright

waiting
longest day
apprehensive heart beat
biggest smile
no one would understand
then her beautiful name
overwhelming joy
again

inside the hospital
followed you upstairs
past smiling nurses
anticipation
you opened the door
something
someone in your arms
her mouth open in sleep
mine was parted in wonder
you asked who wanted
to hold her
cut off your question in eagerness
I do
so light, so perfect
I held her in my arms and smiled
and tried
but not very hard
not to cry
she opened her eyes and squinted
and I laughed and watched her
holding the moment
and putting it away in my heart
to save
forever


(Happy first birthday.)

broken hopes

this ache

choking

never leaves

can I ever be

perfectly happy

again?

this ache

dull, tired

so tired from these

broken hopes

broken so small

but they’ll break again. 

leaves

skimming, skittering

across dull gray road

twirling, jumping

colorless, bold

sky

blank, stretched

along silhouette sides

perfect, empty

momentum hides

wind

tearing, ripping

through skeleton trees

pulling, fierce

wildly free

trying to find stability

Trying to find the balance
Between ignoring and too much
Between happy ignorance
and apathy

Trying to find the middle
Between goodbye and hello
Between too full
and empty

Trying to find the space
Between passable and wrong
Between giving up and chase
and losing

worried breathing

Uneasy breath
Shaking sigh
Breathe in, breathe out
Slow

Tangled confusion
Far away answers
Just don't ever seem to
Know

Importance magnified
Consuming, thinking
Realize it isn't life or
Death

Calm, still
Let go, release it
Let out a slow, steady
Breath

Old

I haven’t met you
But you’re familiar
I’ve seen the kindness in your face before
I haven’t met you
But I know I like you
I trust your smiling, wrinkled eyes

1.7.12

northwest travels

The night’s black, it’s dark
Strips of road lines flash by
And we’re on a conveyor belt
Straight red lights, blinking, tall
And shadows of imagined homes
The roving, circling, rotating beacon
Flashing overhead as I count seconds
Small town signs, cafes, half-lit streets
Roads I’ve traveled more times than you

Smoke seeping from the ground
Curling skywards through the ashes
Graying air, still, cold
Black branches