2013 - Happy Moments

Ice Fight and Fireworks

Picnics and Picking Flower

Aromas Coffee and the Old Market

Bonfires and Stars

Gourmet Hot Chocolate

Cinnamon Rolls and Encouragement

Picking up Coffee and Painting

Peaches and Summer Walks

Pistachios and Frozen Yogurt

Wishing Wells and Roller Coasters

Hugs and Heartfelt Talks

Blaring Music and Sunshine

Funnel Cakes and Muddy Rivers

Pie and Reading

Shopping and Monsters University

Summer Evening Walks and Life Talks

Pizza and Ice Cream and Pedestrian Bridge

Casual Coffee and Relaxed Smiling

Spices and Tea 

Shopping and Monsters University

Oceanside and Cheese and Apples

Niagra Falls Mist

Pie Irons and Panoramas

Donuts and Hay Rides

Ice Cream and Sparkling Grape Juice

Hard Lemonade and Spinning(?) Chairs

Sweet Old People and Summer Slushies

Pillow Fights and Comfortable Silence

Hot Pizza and Slicing Apples

Ferris Wheels and Funnel Cakes

Dodgeballs and Coffee and 40’s and Exploring

Frisbee in the Summer Rain

Hot Chocolate and Candles

Stripes and Boba Smoothies

Accordions and Big Sweaters

Felt Hats and Puppy Chow

"Road Trip" by Myself :)

Lake Michigan Shore and New Friends

Kayaking in the Sun

Long Phone Conversation while Driving

Movie Theater and Walk through LeMars

Starbucks and Storms

Fancy Dresses and Fireplace

Sitting on the Kitchen Floor with Coffee

bits and pieces

walking up the hill toward perfection

I know we'll never arrive, but

we're adding memories to our collections

we're doing more than, more than survive

the sun doesn't rise

it leaps

the stars don't fall

they dive

let's not just politely nod and live,

Let's Run, Laugh, Thrive

1.3.13

driving through

low clouds

flashes of white

like we're

flying

You

brought the sky

down to me

and made me smile

8.30.13

it's the morning's

golden hour

dew washed windows

sparkling grass

and

shining trees

and I,

I'm sitting here

in the calm beauty

making coffee stains on envelopes

and hugging my knees

wondering

how can life be

so madly

beautiful

when there is

so

much

pain.

9.3.13

judgment and grace

   Man, conservative people or so judgmental. I just really can't stand being around them sometimes. They're really legalistic and just don't give people grace.  

   That's the first thing I usually hear when I mention "really" conservative people to anyone who's not "really conservative".

   In a way, I get it. People can go a little "crazy" when they're talking about their rights to bear arms. People can really get into their debates about politics. And some people sure do enjoy their theology.

   But I've seen the people on the other end of the spectrum go a little "crazy" when they're talking about their rights to tattoos, or whatever. The same people who are complaining can really get into their debates about legalism or church authority. And some of those people sure do enjoy grace, sometimes to the extent of never condemning people's actions - ever.

   Don't get me wrong. I sure do enjoy grace. God's grace amazes me every day. He has forgiven me beyond anything I could dare to ask for without the blood of His Son.
   So I can "get it". We're all climbing the hill toward perfection, and on a lot of issues, if I've talked to "you" and I know you are honestly trying to grow in the Lord and serve Him, I don't care where you've been. Judging you on your past isn't right when God has forgiven and blotted out mine. And in regards to a lot of things, if you're trying to follow the Bible, I'm not going to tell you "You're a sinner!" just because I disagree with you on theological points or views on what's legalistic and what's not. Love covers a multitude of sins.
    And, with God's grace I will be able to look at your opinion from the perspective of God's Word and humbly try to see if I'm the one who's wrong.

   But I also don't get it. We're all climbing the hill toward perfection. Including the super-conservative people. Including the people who you think are judgmental. You're complaining about the fact that "they don't give enough grace", but do you give grace to them?
   Maybe there is pride and legalism and judgement. But maybe there's also pride in resisting "super conservative" views and throwing them off your back. Maybe they're honestly just trying to confront you in hopes of encouraging you towards righteousness. So both sides should humbly look toward the scriptures during discussions to constantly check if their beliefs are aligned with God's word.
   You are trying to sanctify. They are trying to sanctify. In the same way you think they're scorning your beliefs on God-given freedom, you're scorning their beliefs on God's laws and desires.

   Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.
   So come on. Before you judge on appearances, learn their heart. And before you judge on "legalism", learn their heart.
   We're sinners in need of humility. We're sinners in need of a Savior. We're sinners in need of grace.

   So be humble in your confrontation and encouragement. Be humble in your response to people who very well might be, or at least seem, legalistic. Do encourage your Christian Family toward growing in God's word. But give grace to your brothers and sisters in Christ, whether they're pierced, tattooed, long-haired, recovering, always-raising-people's-eyebrows, wanting-to-please-God-Christians... or whether they're denim-jumper, tucked in polo, strong-opinioned, sheltered, home-schooled, wanting-to-please-God-Christians.

reasonable service

I will run the course of Your commandments,
For You shall enlarge my heart.
Psalm 119:32

   During an Olympic "Pressing on" themed week, it's interesting that this verse ended my devotions the first morning of camp. At the time I just caught on to the last phrase and prayed for an open heart, but now it hits me how well the whole verse captures the repetitive thought and feel of that week: Running the course of God's commands. Running the race of faith. A heart that's open to serving others.

I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that you present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable to God, which is your reasonable service.
Romans 12:1

   Holy and acceptable to God. Following His commands. That's reasonable. That's not too much to ask.

   I'm pretty much terrible at summarizing events really well with a neat and tidy essay of what I learned, but I would use those two verses as the keys to a lot of my thoughts.

 
   But I think everything I really took away from Joni and Friends were all things I learned from watching others.

• Christ centered
  
  Not self focused. Being self-centered is the sin I've been seeing most in myself the past few months.
  So many people at Camp Joni were the opposite of this. Even in the small things. They'd walk by me during the middle of the day, say hello, and ask, "How is your day going?" when they were definitely the ones who had the harder job of both of us.
  They weren't trying to, but every time they'd ask me how I was doing it was a guilty reminder that I had only really been thinking about myself and hadn't thought to ask them the same question.
  
  Also, I don't know for sure, but possibly one of the reasons it was good for me to be in the Sib Program instead of having a camper was that if I had a camper I probably would have been a lot more focused on what I was doing and how "much" I was giving instead of looking at the situation thinking, "Well God, I really don't feel like I'm doing much of anything right now. So please use this small, small situation (in my eyes) and work through me anyway, even in something that doesn't seem like it's making a big difference."
  
  
  
  
  
  
  I think sometimes it takes more of God's grace to serve in small ways. To notice the small things, to be willing to do them for the right reasons, not for the recognition.
  
  It's easier in many ways to go on a mission trip to a different country than it is to go weed the garden right after breakfast when you have a list of things you'd been planning to do instead.
  
  
  
  
  

• Prayer
  
  I was so impressed by all the prayer during Camp Joni. First in the tour where we stopped every so often and prayed for safety during the week. During the "commission" time before the families came. And to top it off, the end where Liz wanted to pray with us before we left.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  Praying with people is special. I think it'd be way more meaningful if someone is going through a hard time, if we stop the conversation and what we're doing right there and offer to pray with them. Not just say quickly, "I'll try to be praying for you guys."
  
  I don't realize how important and special prayer is, but I got a small taste, and I want more.
  
• Reaching out to people
  
  Introvert, extrovert, or not... I want to be able to have Christ's love shining through me. And I want to be able to forget about myself (again, with the self-centered part) enough to be able to focus on others and what their needs are. To be able to make people feel at ease, too. To have them feel Christian love and fellowship and want that.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  While I was with some of the people there, I couldn't really believe that I had just met them in the last few days.
  Seriously, if you had asked me to bet money on the fact that I hadn't known them a week earlier, I would have had a tough time doing that. My brain said I just met them, my heart said, "You've known these people forever." They were my family.
  

• Not judging personality on looks
  
  It's easy to have compassion for people who are disabled or just different if they are cute kids or good looking.
  It's hard when they can't focus their eyes or control movements. But sometimes they are family too. God's children. And my discomfort being around them or unwillingness to serve them is like saying, "They don't matter." But they do.
  
  
  Give me Your eyes, that I may love the broken and the ugly - (the ones who are probably more humble then I am.) The ones who worship with less pride then I do. The ones who You gave Your life for - may I give my life as a sacrifice to You by serving them.
  
  Enlarge my heart, let me see with new eyes. Give me strength to run the course of Your commands. Give me strength and a willing heart to give my all for You by letting go of all my selfishness and pride.
  
  
  
  
  

cynical

I like to think I'm gracious; prone to forgive readily. Slow to judge because I've been found wanting and I'm pardoned.

But looking at others I think, "I can see the pride behind their actions" when the one with pride is behind my condemning eyes.

Unless your morals are identical to mine, or unless I really like you right away, I'll find a fault or two with you and think, "I'm better," when NO. No, no. I'm not.

Maybe because they look more in-control. Or maybe they seem more sanctified. Or maybe they just seem popular. So I try to make excuses;
They must be putting on a front. Their motives must be wrong. They're always looking for attention. Because they couldn't actually be nicer and better then me! NO. No, no. They probably are.

Pride is what is making me cynical of Children of God.

pointless

This is a pointless post
to say;
Pistachios and
Smoked cheese
and
Fresh, moist,
frosted cake
made of
poppy seeds.

I could eat like that all the time.

lazy-amazing

fog thick as
whipped cream
we’re sailing off the edge of the world
cold tea in
sloppy mugs
soggy tea bag swirled

waterfall mist
without the roar
skyscrapers rise where none were before
thoughts clearer than
the damp gray day
and smashed grass wet to the core

poultry smell of
winter soup
bare sunlight did not overstay
is that you in
my mind
or just the dim wind
inspiring, lazy-amazing day

if our family was in a movie

WARNING: STEREOTYPED.

And I mean all of these stereotypes in the nicest way possible.

Dad

The older, wise one who always has advice or a story/example to share.

Mom

The one who cares about everyone and want the best for everyone. Or at least her family. ;)

Jessica

The productive one who always has her hands literally full. Or the healthy one.

Seth

The one who cracks jokes all the time.

David

The one who always brings up the controversy. ;)

Michael

The one who always helps.

Rebecca

?

Joseph

The cool nerd.

Levi

The one who always breaks things or hurts himself.

Daniel

The slightly chubby kid who everyone loves and pats on the head.

Only he's a little too old for that now.

Nathanael

The one who is always talking.

:)

dishes

      I stand by the sink, sweater sleeves rolled up. Yesterday's hair falls around my shoulders as I scrub the grease off a glass pan.

      Nathanael sits across from me and forks another piece of caramel covered bread into his mouth. A steady stream of water slips down the left drain.

      "Women are like pans." Nathanael sips his milk, white dripping down the side of the orange cup.

      "Oh?" I raise an eyebrow and lean the pan against other drying dishes. "And how is that?"

      "You washed it in one sink and then the other sink again. And girls wash their hair twice." Nathanael kicks a foot against his chair.

      I pull the drain and watch the water as the inches drop. "Hm," I said.

This is The Life
Don’t rush it
Don’t stretch it
Don’t push it
Don’t strain it
Don't bend it
Don't break it

Life’s the best I can make it

September 2011

make today an adventure

Quality is good. I think we should strive for quality; to do the best that we can to glorify God.

However, I'm not perfect. The sewing and writing I do are far from being "perfect". But I enjoy sewing and writing.
Also, lots of things from life make me happy; things I'm excited or thankful for. And I'm no photographer, but I might post some pictures from my snapshot camera that won't be perfect either.

So please don't expect perfection. ;)

But Life is an adventure, right? Even if it's not perfect. So here's a collaboration of my blogs. Things I write, things I think, things I love, things I make, and little things that qualify as adventures in my mind, even if they're not so exciting for other people. ;)

lost inspiration

I need to keep a little notebook with me so I can scribble down the words that explain my thoughts when I think of them. Otherwise all those rainy-day or melody or breeze or people inspired conclusions will be lost until next time, and that might be a while.

matter of fact

matter of fact
this is the way
dry eyes
they're calm

matter of fact
address everyone
the same
they're polite

matter of fact
say what's needed
nothing more
they're serious

matter of fact
avoiding their
eyes and smiles
they're steady

matter of fact
but inside they want
to venture farther
try harder

matter of fact
moving on
like nothing's wrong
when

in fact
   it matters

4.11.12

certain smell of summer

(because it's the only semi-decent thing I've written in the last few months.)


musky hay
in the fading hours
and that
certain smell of summer
hangs
in the air
enveloping dusty wildflowers

dirt and fields
mixed with wood
and that
certain smell of childhood
hangs
in the air
drifting in the heat's breeze
moving through
the tangled trees

forget to breathe

then
breathe in
breathe again
breathe that
certain smell of summer
through your heart

30

I always liked your
smile
It’s so rare now
and I rarely see you.

When did we grow so
much
I remember when
you were my age.

You have two beautiful
boys
You love them
and so does she.

Maybe you don’t know I
care
That your life
is falling apart.

You say you’ve never
felt
so at peace,
but it’s a lie.

Wake up, don’t break up,
cousin
Can’t you see,
the road is wrong.

what are your motives?

If no one thanks you or appreciates you for effort you’ve put into something, that’s not ultimately important, is it?

If you’re upset when no one notices the “nice things” you do, most likely you didn’t have the right motives for doing them in the first place.

If we do everything for God, then we won’t be looking to everyone else for thanks and adoration and affirmation.

My thoughts ramble a lot. I was going to write them in paragraph form, but it wasn't working. So here, more poetry.

-----------------------------------

Seconds
are precious
More as I
grow older now.

Minutes
spent walking
under the shade
Churchbell sounding.

Hours
precious, beautiful
where I met you and
you and you.

Days
are changing
We are all older now
Life is not the same.

Months
go by
I fear change, I fear
the ones I love leaving.

“Fear not,” He says.

Why is change hard?
If I want control, why?
I make mistakes.

Why is change hard?
This is comfortable.
But if life never changed,
So much would be missing.

Why is change hard?
Maybe because if
this is taken away
all I will have are the
memories.

Years
slipping away
leaving behind a trail
of beauty and tears
Do not fear

He knows best
and I will rest
in His love,

unfailing,

Unchangeable.

miracle.

damp air and city traffic
feet touching the grass
rhythm of a creaking swing
and weeping willow branches
drifting in the breeze
words of gravity, sorrow
silently seeking answers
in my mind
and finding none
hoping you found comfort
with your hand in mine

face down
pain in my heart
head in my hands and
lying on the floor
pleading, begging, please
how many times I asked
I don’t remember

then

such happiness, excitement
maybe, maybe, maybe
hoping
your playing was holding back a grin
my mind held back assumptions
but I was right
everyone around me cheered but
I could only choke on tears of wonder
sobbing thankful joy
amazement,
miracle

waiting
knowing you would come
we met almost running
spinning around
happiest day
too glad for words

but

scared
desperate for help
for prayers
desperate for everything
to be okay
nothing was right
worried doubts, fears
tears just by trying to talk
and choked with despair
the end, the end

but it was alright

waiting
longest day
apprehensive heart beat
biggest smile
no one would understand
then her beautiful name
overwhelming joy
again

inside the hospital
followed you upstairs
past smiling nurses
anticipation
you opened the door
something
someone in your arms
her mouth open in sleep
mine was parted in wonder
you asked who wanted
to hold her
cut off your question in eagerness
I do
so light, so perfect
I held her in my arms and smiled
and tried
but not very hard
not to cry
she opened her eyes and squinted
and I laughed and watched her
holding the moment
and putting it away in my heart
to save
forever


(Happy first birthday.)

broken hopes

this ache

choking

never leaves

can I ever be

perfectly happy

again?

this ache

dull, tired

so tired from these

broken hopes

broken so small

but they’ll break again. 

Uncle Wilbur

2001

I peeled the bright sticker from it's backing, and the stiff edge slid underneath my fingernails. 

"Here," I said, and laughed shyly.

The man with white hair leaned down toward me, and my toes held me up as I reached toward his cap. I pressed the shiny sticker onto the blue front and rested back on my heels.

"Perfect," he said, patting the tip of his hat. "That's just right."

2002

He lifted the faded cap off his head. "See?" he said to me. "It's still here." His voice sank to a conspiratorial whisper. "My wife wants to wash it, but then it'll come off." 

He pointed to the peeling edges of the rainbow colored sticker. "It's still there!" he said again to assure me, and I nodded happily.

2004

I stood taller, shyer, and listened as he said goodbye to them. My teeth bit the edge of my lips, until he looked at me and smiled.

"The sticker came off," he said regretfully, and I nodded.

"That's okay," I said. He remembered!

"I tried to stick it back on," he explained, "but it wouldn't stay."

I ran to the van, scrambling back into my row. I yanked out my bag, rummaging wildly between the books and paper. There they are. I jumped out of the van and spied his retreating figure walking up the hill with his cane. I ran to catch up, pulling to a stop beside him.

"Here," I said, and laughed happily as I pushed the yellow sticker onto his brown cap.

2007

I sat next to his lawn chair on the porch.

"I have hot chocolate," he said, smiling. "Do you like hot chocolate?"

"Yeah," I said, laughing.

"I like it when there's marshmallows in it," he said in a confiding voice. "The little soft ones, that when you swallow they go down like--" he tilted his neck down and gulped dramatically as he popped up his head, and he made me laugh again.

I looked out at the sunlit lawn. "I think we have to go," I said, standing slowly and looking at his bare cap and plaid shirt.

Leaning over, I wrapped my arms around his shoulders. As I let go, he sat forward and kissed my cheek with his smiling mouth. "That's a peck," he said. "A peck on the cheek." He squeezed my hand with his rough brown one.

"Here," I said, and laughed softly as I kissed his cheek and said goodbye.