Monday, July 11, 2011

Snow White (NEW! Possibly Improved!)

SW & the 7 Dwarfs 
(I didn't know this story as well as I thought I did. 2-4 yr olds know it better than me. But that's okay.)

    Once upon a time there was a girl named Snow White. She lived in a castle with her--

(NO! She didn’t live in a castle, she lived in a house!)
    No, I’m pretty sure she lived in a castle.
(No, a house!)
    Okay fine, so Snow White lived in a house. One day the evil queen looked in her mirror and said, “Mirror Mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest one of all?”
    And the mirror replied, “Snow White is the fairest of them all.”
    (Nuh-uh! The mirror said, “You Oh Queen are the fairest in all the land!”)
    Oh. The mirror said, “You, oh queen, are the fairest in all the land!” But one day the mirror said, “Snow White is the fairest in the land.”
    (Snow White with hair as black as-- and...)
    Snow White had hair as black as ebony, skin as white as snow, and lips as red as blood.
    Well, the queen was so angry, that she ordered her hunter-woodsman-guy to go kill Snow White!
    (No, to--)
    To... uh... cut out her heart with his knife and bring it back to the queen?
    Anyway. The hunter went up to Snow White and he--
    (No, he couldn’t do it!!!)
    Yeah, I know. AND he - couldn’t kill her because she was so beautiful, so he told her to run away.

    So Snow White ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran. And then she fell into some water and drowned, because she couldn’t swim.
    (... … … THAT DIDN’T HAPPEN!!! She fell and all the animals carried her to the dwarfs’’ house!)
    Okay, she fell in some water and the animals carried her to the dwarfs house.
    (Then the dwarves came back--cleaned house--thought there was a monster!)
    Ummmm, ohhhkay... So Snow White cleaned the house, then the dwarves came back and said, “WE LOVE YOU! Stay and clean our house forever!”
    Oh, whoops. Then Snow White was upstairs and they thought she was a monster, but she offered to clean their house and make food for them.
    (They had to wash up first!)
    Oh yeah, then she made them wash their hands before they ate, but they weren’t very happy about it. At least Grumpy wasn’t.
    (Then they sang the Hi Ho song!)
    Then they decided to go to work, because you know, that’s what they normally did. So they went off singing, “Fe Fi Fo Fum! I smell the blood of an Englishman!”
    (... hahahaha! NO!)
    Oops. Um... “Hi Ho, Hi Ho, off to the mines we go-ho-ho” or something like that.

    Well, then the queen asked her mirror who the fairest was, and he said, “Snow White because she isn’t dead yet.”
    Well, the queen was SOOOO mad that she disguised herself and poisoned an apple and went to find Snow White. Well, she ran and ran and an, but than she fell into the same water that Snow White did, and she drowned.
    (Nuh-uh! Thunder hit her!)
    Fine. She fell in, but got out, and the animals didn’t help her, because apparently they didn’t like her.
    So she came to the cottage, and Snow White says, “You must be tired, come in and rest your feet!!!”
    Actually, Snow White didn’t say that, because the dwarfs had told her not to let anyone into their house, because I guess they didn’t like strangers.
    The lady offered Snow White the apple, and Snow White was SOOOO hungry, and the apple was SOOOO red, so Snow White took a bite of it and choked and died and fell over, and the queen got hit by lightning or something.

    THEN the dwarfs came back and were really sad. They stuck Snow White on top of a coffin or something and put a ton of flowers all over her.
    Well, then a prince comes, and when he sees the beautiful Snow White he asks, “Who’s this beautiful maiden?”
    The dwarfs replied sadly, “Snow White.”

    The prince says, “Should I kiss her?”
    The dwarfs are like, “EWWWW, gross, NO!”
    So the prince says, “What should I do then??”
    And they said, “Put flowers on top of her like everyone else.”
    So he sticks some sunflowers close to her nose. Well, she’s allergic to sunflowers, so she sneezes because she’s not quite dead yet (I guess), and she sneezes the apple out of her mouth.
    Well, she sneezed ALL OVER the prince, and he was like, “EW, gross! Why would I marry YOU, you sneezed all over me!!” so he left.
    (... … … NOO! He marries her, he has to!!!)
    Sigh. Okay. So then she’s like, “YOU SAVED MY LIFE!” and blah blah blah
    So they got married and all the dwarfs came to the wedding.
    (But they couldn’t come because the castle was in the clouds, and the dwarfs couldn’t get there!)
    What? That’s weird. Okay, well, the dwarfs wanted to go to the wedding SOOOO bad that they invented airplanes ahead of time just to fly up to the castle to be there.

The End.

1 comment:

  1. I like your version better. The sunflower part made me laugh so hard.... :D