30

I always liked your
smile
It’s so rare now
and I rarely see you.

When did we grow so
much
I remember when
you were my age.

You have two beautiful
boys
You love them
and so does she.

Maybe you don’t know I
care
That your life
is falling apart.

You say you’ve never
felt
so at peace,
but it’s a lie.

Wake up, don’t break up,
cousin
Can’t you see,
the road is wrong.

Navy Violin Blue

A sewing blog? Who'd have thought. But maybe it will spur me on to take before and after pictures, because I'm always sad when I don't.

The story with this skirt is that I had very short notice from my teacher that I needed a navy blue skirt for performing with the group.
Navy blue? Didn't have it. This is what I grabbed off the Goodwill hanger; probably a buck. And I only wore it for violin.

So it's basically been sitting useless in my closet for the past 2 years, which is probably the story of a fifth of my clothes.

 Before:

Yikes. Just not something I would wear.

After I shortened it and added some lace trim:

Hmm. Okay, I can see liking it with some sandals and a white top. Add a belt and some earrings. The same things could have made the previous picture a little more bearable, but I think there's more to work with here. =) I'm fairly pleased with the results. And Navy Blue? It's not so bad.

But maybe not with the over-sized purple Phoenix Suns basketball shirt.

p.s. I still don't think I will ever really wear this... except for violin. :-/

what are your motives?

If no one thanks you or appreciates you for effort you’ve put into something, that’s not ultimately important, is it?

If you’re upset when no one notices the “nice things” you do, most likely you didn’t have the right motives for doing them in the first place.

If we do everything for God, then we won’t be looking to everyone else for thanks and adoration and affirmation.

My thoughts ramble a lot. I was going to write them in paragraph form, but it wasn't working. So here, more poetry.

-----------------------------------

Seconds
are precious
More as I
grow older now.

Minutes
spent walking
under the shade
Churchbell sounding.

Hours
precious, beautiful
where I met you and
you and you.

Days
are changing
We are all older now
Life is not the same.

Months
go by
I fear change, I fear
the ones I love leaving.

“Fear not,” He says.

Why is change hard?
If I want control, why?
I make mistakes.

Why is change hard?
This is comfortable.
But if life never changed,
So much would be missing.

Why is change hard?
Maybe because if
this is taken away
all I will have are the
memories.

Years
slipping away
leaving behind a trail
of beauty and tears
Do not fear

He knows best
and I will rest
in His love,

unfailing,

Unchangeable.

miracle.

damp air and city traffic
feet touching the grass
rhythm of a creaking swing
and weeping willow branches
drifting in the breeze
words of gravity, sorrow
silently seeking answers
in my mind
and finding none
hoping you found comfort
with your hand in mine

face down
pain in my heart
head in my hands and
lying on the floor
pleading, begging, please
how many times I asked
I don’t remember

then

such happiness, excitement
maybe, maybe, maybe
hoping
your playing was holding back a grin
my mind held back assumptions
but I was right
everyone around me cheered but
I could only choke on tears of wonder
sobbing thankful joy
amazement,
miracle

waiting
knowing you would come
we met almost running
spinning around
happiest day
too glad for words

but

scared
desperate for help
for prayers
desperate for everything
to be okay
nothing was right
worried doubts, fears
tears just by trying to talk
and choked with despair
the end, the end

but it was alright

waiting
longest day
apprehensive heart beat
biggest smile
no one would understand
then her beautiful name
overwhelming joy
again

inside the hospital
followed you upstairs
past smiling nurses
anticipation
you opened the door
something
someone in your arms
her mouth open in sleep
mine was parted in wonder
you asked who wanted
to hold her
cut off your question in eagerness
I do
so light, so perfect
I held her in my arms and smiled
and tried
but not very hard
not to cry
she opened her eyes and squinted
and I laughed and watched her
holding the moment
and putting it away in my heart
to save
forever


(Happy first birthday.)

broken hopes

this ache

choking

never leaves

can I ever be

perfectly happy

again?

this ache

dull, tired

so tired from these

broken hopes

broken so small

but they’ll break again. 

Uncle Wilbur

2001

I peeled the bright sticker from it's backing, and the stiff edge slid underneath my fingernails. 

"Here," I said, and laughed shyly.

The man with white hair leaned down toward me, and my toes held me up as I reached toward his cap. I pressed the shiny sticker onto the blue front and rested back on my heels.

"Perfect," he said, patting the tip of his hat. "That's just right."

2002

He lifted the faded cap off his head. "See?" he said to me. "It's still here." His voice sank to a conspiratorial whisper. "My wife wants to wash it, but then it'll come off." 

He pointed to the peeling edges of the rainbow colored sticker. "It's still there!" he said again to assure me, and I nodded happily.

2004

I stood taller, shyer, and listened as he said goodbye to them. My teeth bit the edge of my lips, until he looked at me and smiled.

"The sticker came off," he said regretfully, and I nodded.

"That's okay," I said. He remembered!

"I tried to stick it back on," he explained, "but it wouldn't stay."

I ran to the van, scrambling back into my row. I yanked out my bag, rummaging wildly between the books and paper. There they are. I jumped out of the van and spied his retreating figure walking up the hill with his cane. I ran to catch up, pulling to a stop beside him.

"Here," I said, and laughed happily as I pushed the yellow sticker onto his brown cap.

2007

I sat next to his lawn chair on the porch.

"I have hot chocolate," he said, smiling. "Do you like hot chocolate?"

"Yeah," I said, laughing.

"I like it when there's marshmallows in it," he said in a confiding voice. "The little soft ones, that when you swallow they go down like--" he tilted his neck down and gulped dramatically as he popped up his head, and he made me laugh again.

I looked out at the sunlit lawn. "I think we have to go," I said, standing slowly and looking at his bare cap and plaid shirt.

Leaning over, I wrapped my arms around his shoulders. As I let go, he sat forward and kissed my cheek with his smiling mouth. "That's a peck," he said. "A peck on the cheek." He squeezed my hand with his rough brown one.

"Here," I said, and laughed softly as I kissed his cheek and said goodbye.